at some point, i need to accept that I will be in pain for the rest of my natural life.

maybe I've already accepted it. maybe that's not so bad.

this last week has brought me to the realiation that I'm a lot more sad than I thought I was. I've known I've been burned out and stressed from school, but I hadn't noticed quite how deep the grief from managing this balancing act between my identity and my relationship with my family has grown these last few months. I'm on a trip with my mom and my older brother at the moment, and the feeling of being so close to being me and yet so unable to push through is excruciating. On top of all that now with Trump coming back into office and Project 2025 expected to move ahead, I'm also under a time crunch to go ahead and get the hell out of the US, which I can't imagine how I'll manage financially at this point.

I don't see why being me is such a big deal, I guess. ptoo.

god it sucks being asexual but not aromantic. i haven't been kissed in like 5 years, but I don't want to go on tinder for that bc that would just end up with sex, and I'm not too crazy abt doing that tbh

it's been a little while since i've been seriously scared to be trans, but the new law restricting trans people from restrooms in public schools (which includes public universities like mine) has just been a very harsh reminder that I've got a target on my back. there's only three non-gendered restrooms on campus that I know of, and I hate having to choose between walking a kilometer or more to go piss between classes and potentially getting thrown in jail if someone decides I'm a little too clocky one day. I'm tired of this nonsense political agenda republicans are pushing, using people like me as a scapegoat to build a police state off of, and I'm terrified of what's going to happen to other trans people here in Louisiana if our government is allowed to keep doing what it's doing unchecked.

i do wish i were at a point in my transition where I was comfortable entering the dating scene again. I know being single has been good for me, but I've definitely realized over the last week or so just how touch-starved I've become. It's not even predominantly in a sexual way, I just miss holding hands and cuddling and kissing someone and getting lost in just how much I've fallen in love with them. Even having sex, I just miss how personal and intimate of an experience it is.

i've been dodging and weaving getting into a relationship literally since before I stated transitioning, so like 5 years now, and 99% of the time I'm totally fine with being single but every single time I get drunk *without fail* I come to miss the feeling of, just, feeling loved. like idk how it would work out logistically since I move so often but just the feeling of snuggling up with and sharing a kiss with someone who loves me is something I miss a lot.

I look forward to the point in my transition where I'll feel like I can be comfortable falling in love again without the feeling of insecurity over my body taking that away from me like is the case right now.