every action you take leaves an effect on the world. it can be hard to notice, it can be for "the better" or "worse." it can be completely insignificant. but everything you do—something as minute as the way you don't choose to breathe right now—will alter the outcome of what is known as the universe. the so called "butterfly effect."

I become more aware of this fact through posts like this.

It's pretty obvious, but the true extent of it can be hard to grasp. Sure, the exact shape of the universe once its died is of no import, nor any of the cosmic shapes it could take when getting there. The butterfly does not care for the hurricane in a different continent it could be making worse by putting the air molecules around it in a different configuration. But I am not a butterfly, I am a human being in a world of human beings. I believe I am much more than the molecules that comprise me, and I do not notice the way my presence might arrange the molecules of some other point in spacetime.

Maybe it's the nature of the network. The way it feeds back to itself, unlike other platforms. I'm not trying to talk about that though, so I'll get to the point. The things I say for no reason than to talk, jokes I decide to make, hashtags I coin on a whim, custom emojis I decide to add, a video full of crude jokes... Through the internet, so many things I might decide to do, for my own sake, as insignificant as they may seem, can have an impact on someone else, somewhere in spacetime.

the facts of the matter are simple, my "proof" if you will: over two years ago I started making posts using suicide day-of-the-week hashtag. today, I see a post from someone using the same hashtag, someone who I've, to my knowledge, never interacted with before. I know that Nyx Land, who is able to reach far more than I—i.e. someone with a greater "following"—has been using the Suicide Wednesday tag since then, possibly more than I have, so it's not surprising that I'm able to touch the minds of others using her as a proxy. though, perhaps "using" is not the right word. it was never my intention for Suicide Wednesday to "catch on," merely to entertain those whom it would find. such is the intent behind most of the "shit" I "post." seems like it worked, too.

there are other examples of things like this happening. one of the examples I mentioned earlier: I've seen instances which I've never heard of before with the emoji, digital information I would pay little attention to, were it not for my hand in shaping it. I believe it is primarily worm.pink serving as the proxy in this instance. something more direct would be the videos I post on youtube that my friends in The Bad Breakers watch, which inspires them to make their own videos with variations on the jokes I made, or perhaps they just find themselves humming "I fucking hate you Justin" to the tune of GUARDIAN by Toby Fox.

Regardless of what it is, I continue to have an impact on the world. I don't want the actions I take to have "bad" outcomes.

I don't believe any of this makes me special or noteworthy. I don't believe I deserve to be known for all of the tiny changes I cause on the world. hell, I don't even WANT to be "known" for any of it. I've already learned that "fame" is not something I'm able to handle. make no mistake, I don't want anyone to see me for the things I leave behind. I will, by definition, still have an effect on the outcome of what is known as the universe, long after I lose the ability to make decisions. it's out of my hands, and so, again, I am not special or noteworthy. my only "want" in this matter is that when I touch someone's "heart," they should be able to find out I was behind it. a simpler mind would call this a creative commons attribution license. does this make sense? perhaps not... no matter. I ramble.

lastly, I don't believe in "fate." the universe, or any force within it, does not decide which actions I will take, nor what effect those actions will have. the simplest units which carry out this universal dance of existence are demonstrably random. whether or not the wave function collapse of every particle in existence has already been decreed by destiny... well, that can't be known. but I do know this: all functioning systems will follow their rules, from quantum physics to the way we behave. systems one could view as "dysfunctional" will still follow the rules of the system "below" it. psychology is just applied biology is just applied chemistry is just applied physics. 2+2 will always equal 4 in the system known as math. a charge will always attract and be attracted to an opposite charge in the system known as electromagnetism. a stimulus will always result in SOME kind of change, internal or external, big or small, in the system known as Eleonora; a synapse will always fire when it fires.

After all, we're nothing more than the molecules that comprise us.

... Thank you for reading.

RE: https://social.xenofem.me/objects/12e56b8f-6482-4322-a2ce-f565f6bbe4c3

@sierra thanks i will read later