holy shit they killed the president

rt if u think elys cute

Ive been thinking about the relationship between borderline internalisation of problems and externalisation:

- internalisation says that you're the problem and you need to grow and change

- externalisation says that others are at fault for hurting you and they need to change.

we've taken both stances at different periods , usually based on our relationships and mental health. the more stable we are and the broader our set of friends, the more we choose to internalise. the more dependent we are, the more we externalise.

in the end I think both of these perceptions hurt us. it means we end up taking flaws super seriously and let them control our self confidence, and we're always looking for a new thing to put us under. externalisation hurts others a lot, but also stops us from recognising when we need to change for own health.

coming to terms with the fact that "both are important but in different ways and there should be a balance between them" is really hard. we have tried this at various points, but it's always been hard in a society that encourages a binary system of faults and blame, where taking a holistic stance is seen as challenging the truth. we've found it's gotten a lot easier since being with our wife, probably because mew understands it to a little bit.

and I think this is important for um
gonna give an example

we were called really bad to an ex for largely BPD reasons. exclusively internalising this basically equates that to my identity, and that I need to fundamentally change, since I'm fundamentally flawed. whether or not that's true (and I think it is!), that's a really hard thing to navigate, especially in the moment. especially since, BPD as an illness is particularly sensitive to negative self perception and self confidence being influenced by what others think of you.

on the other hand, though, exclusively externalising us being bad, as a result of abuse and harm towards us, whether or not it was true (and I think it was!), seeks to avoid resolving our own failures and mistakes. borderline requires a lot of self reflection and honesty in order to be healthy, and entirely allocating responsabilité to someone else stops that from happening I think. it's still an important coping mechanism though, because it's hard to engage with reality, especially in the moment, when it feels so wrong to you.

I think, for borderline people in particular, having a balanced approach to self reflection is healthy. take things seriously and internalise them but don't Beat yourself up over it. easier said than done I know. maybe set up systems that make that easier to do, like waiting until there are enough degrees of separation to do that safely, or develop self soothing and self affirming strategies