holy shit they killed the president

rt if u think elys cute

our philosophy on what BPD people should do, js largely do what is healthiest for everyone. depending on where the bpd person is at mentally, that may mean making decisions to focus on self, or focus on others.

I'm thinking about this a lot because of how a, I guess not so recent anymore breakup affected us we definitely did things wrong in the relationship, and a part of that that made that worse was that we weren't possible to be confronted about it easily, because of cluster-B. I do generally take the side of internalising it as our fault, since we agree it happened. It was pretty hard on us initially and gave us a lot of very deep seated insecurity about our personality fundamentally, and how safe it was. once we mostly got over the break up, though, the internalisation became something easier to manage and less destabilising. I figure that at the end of the day it's better to grow where we can and accept that and forgive

it's something i am really proud of. the ability to recongise what we did wrong and be honest about ourselves with it, so soon, without taking it personally and being able to take care of our emotions in the process. I'm really proud of being able to internalise something without letting that control me

being able to say "yeah I fucked up, ans I wanna change that, here is x y and z" is a skill that's really important to have in general, but especially for cluster-B people.

BPD has deep internalised trauma around being told no, or something otherwise confrontational. which is like. a huge problem for communication. and so the goal for us is to want to fix that, and how to achieve that.

for me, it's hard, and conflicting.

I'm only able to be healthy and strong when I have lots of support from others, and a strong self confidence and self love. Since I'm BPD, I sometimes feel like I need a base foundation in order to build this ; I need love from others.

So, being socially involved is really important. At least for us. it enables us to be so much stronger emotionally than we otherwise would be able to on our own. So much more confident and capable. This is true for the entire population on the planet, but I feel it holds a special weight for BPD people, since they're stricken with insecurity about being bad for others.

That's the thing though, BPD people are often harmful to others, unless they've established systems of self reflection and healthy autonomy, based in a stable idea of self love and self confidence.

And that's a dilemma.

We want BPD people to be able to handle negative things, but in order to do that, they need to be healthy and have lots of loving friends. But in order to have lots of friends, they need to be healthy and able to handle negative feedback. friendship is a two way street.

Usually the way this is circumvented is people being friends anyways, or being friends in such a way that doesn't trigger the bpd challenges. Rarer, although still possible, is circumventing through first being very independent and self confident through self reflection.

the probable correct answer at the end of the day is to just Do Your Best and figure it out case by case

Ive been thinking about the relationship between borderline internalisation of problems and externalisation:

- internalisation says that you're the problem and you need to grow and change

- externalisation says that others are at fault for hurting you and they need to change.

we've taken both stances at different periods , usually based on our relationships and mental health. the more stable we are and the broader our set of friends, the more we choose to internalise. the more dependent we are, the more we externalise.

in the end I think both of these perceptions hurt us. it means we end up taking flaws super seriously and let them control our self confidence, and we're always looking for a new thing to put us under. externalisation hurts others a lot, but also stops us from recognising when we need to change for own health.

coming to terms with the fact that "both are important but in different ways and there should be a balance between them" is really hard. we have tried this at various points, but it's always been hard in a society that encourages a binary system of faults and blame, where taking a holistic stance is seen as challenging the truth. we've found it's gotten a lot easier since being with our wife, probably because mew understands it to a little bit.

and I think this is important for um
gonna give an example

we were called really bad to an ex for largely BPD reasons. exclusively internalising this basically equates that to my identity, and that I need to fundamentally change, since I'm fundamentally flawed. whether or not that's true (and I think it is!), that's a really hard thing to navigate, especially in the moment. especially since, BPD as an illness is particularly sensitive to negative self perception and self confidence being influenced by what others think of you.

on the other hand, though, exclusively externalising us being bad, as a result of abuse and harm towards us, whether or not it was true (and I think it was!), seeks to avoid resolving our own failures and mistakes. borderline requires a lot of self reflection and honesty in order to be healthy, and entirely allocating responsabilité to someone else stops that from happening I think. it's still an important coping mechanism though, because it's hard to engage with reality, especially in the moment, when it feels so wrong to you.

I think, for borderline people in particular, having a balanced approach to self reflection is healthy. take things seriously and internalise them but don't Beat yourself up over it. easier said than done I know. maybe set up systems that make that easier to do, like waiting until there are enough degrees of separation to do that safely, or develop self soothing and self affirming strategies